It’s been a long time since I sat down to write. I’ve been caught up in working, learning and other things.
Since I last wrote, I’ve had an article published with the Vegan Society on Vegan Gardening, started a new business growing and selling microgreens, been teaching as normal, running the allotment and I’ve (almost) finished my RHS level 2 qualifications.
With all of this going on, I’ve also been trying to invest some time in myself emotionally and make space for my feelings and thoughts. Which I’ve found to be very difficult.
You see, in the past, I’ve been a serial ‘People-pleaser’ and ‘Yes-person’. This has seen me piling too much on myself, overloading and from what I saw of myself yesterday, having a proper mental burnout. Over the last year I’ve been trying to retrain my brain to not say yes immediately or to bend over backwards for everyone and take the time to think about the decision. However, this last few weeks has seen me fall into old patterns. I’ve felt this way before, but not for a long time. With these feelings come the thoughts that lead me to doubt myself, compare myself and generally berate myself for not managing to achieve everything everyone else expects of me or is achieving themselves.
Over the Covid debacle, I (like many others) have really rethought what I want from my life. For me, it’s come down to less pressure, more nature and wholesome things. With this in mind, it also equates to a lot less teaching work. With my teaching, I’ve realised that it’s meant I have zero time to create and also very minimal want to create – which is funny as my initial degree when I started out was all about creation! I started as a composer and had great aspirations to be a film composer. Then, when I realised I needed a ‘proper job’ I retrained and got my MA in Music Education. Don’t get me wrong, I love teaching. But teaching the same things over and over for 8 hours a day in a small room really chips away at any creativity or flow you may have had.
Jump to now and we have made the decision to relocate fro Hertfordshire to Devon. Jon and I moved in with my parents 11 years ago (yes, I hear you all gasping out loud!). We have been privileged enough to be able to live here to save for our own property. But, unfortunately for us, house prices have soared and 11 years later, we will still struggle to do this so we’re going to have to rent just like we did 11 yers ago. It’s heartbreaking to think that we have really put a lot of our life on hold for this one thing that still isn’t there. We’ve also had the added pressure of trying for a baby for nearly 7 years with not even a hint and now we are realising we wouldn’t be able to afford it even if it did happen…It’s a tough one and unfortunately (for me, anyway), I’m not good at talking about my feelings and brush a lot of it under the carpet in a ‘just keep swimming’ Finding Nemo sort of way.
In a bid to get a little bit of sanity back, I’ve decided to bring my blog back to life and mind dump when I get a chance or things get a bit much. Also, it’ll be a great way of tracking our move to Devon and what we end up doing. Stick with me, there will be gardening chat on here too. But you might need to get through some of the chatter in my brain first.
So, to finish with some exciting things, we will be moving to Devon in July/August of this year. I’ve handed my notice in at work. I didn’t get a job that I went for with the RHS, but I will be applying for more horticulture roles. Jon has started his own art business after his massage business got hit badly with Covid. We will be jumping in with both feet and potentially moving without having work secured but, I suppose, it’ll make us work all the harder to get something sorted when we are there.
Thanks for listening and come read something again soon.